The firsts & The lasts

Do you recall the first time you met someone special? The first time you ate your favourite food? The first climb on the mountain? That very first wave which came running to you? First attempt at making chicken biryani? First round tortilla? First time you drove? First tight hug! First kiss! First time you got that code right (and every time you do, my beloved software engineers)! First research paper presentation! First solo trip! That solo visit to a restaurant! First performance! First of anything that strikes your mind RIGHT NOW!! The firsts are firsts, indeed!

The firsts of anything and anyone; hold a space in our hearts. They become the memories of a beginning. I even cherish the first conversation with some of my people; the date in the calendar marks the feelings and holds nostalgia of that event. Firsts often signify how one initiates, overcomes, grabs the courage, and has built oneself to that very moment; a transformed entity. 

Firsts are what one gets to keep in a memory house, while uncertainties gift away the lasts. While we aren’t aware of when the last time be, we get to plan the firsts. On occasions where the lasts are decided; one still seeks comfort in the fond memory of the first.  

Lastly, the lasts. They last for ages and ages hence, even if they lasted for mere seconds. What is it about the last times that makes them stay long after we leave or they are gone? Why do we remember the way their eyes shined with pain and heavy heart they carried away? Is it the traces that leave behind in existence? Or something about the aura familiar to the soul? 

Some lasts are forced on us; temporarily or permanently, decided by how we respond to it when the choice is available. Others, they are a result of time. A course ends and you leave your college. The perfume gets over, and you can’t use it any more from the same gifted bottle. Voila, a bowl of spiciest noodles comes to the last bite and as much as you wanted more; there does arrives a time when it’s over. 

Do you know the feel of last conversation that never happened? Goodbyes you never said? The last apology that you waited for? The last time you smiled at someone for how happy you were to have them? The parting sight, hands drifted apart? It is not special like the firsts, but it is exceptional. This too remains. We like to keep the goodbyes as a parting symbol, like a memory of what’s been cherished. 

Lasts aren’t always painful. We do relive the warmest farewell before a return trip. One meeting over coffee before parting ways for future endeavours. The last picture until we will be able to have a smile together. A last visit to the Gurudwara before the next possible day to completely embrace the peace that the atmosphere offers. 

Not sure what overrides: the firsts or the lasts. The way firsts are the firsts, lasts need not be the lasts in every circumstance. 

We humans, (2+2=4?!) sometime ruin what we cherish the most. Blame it on amygdala, whose neural connections allow it to drive the brain during emotional emergencies, overtaking the rational mind OR let us take responsibility because it is one’s own amygdala from one’s own brain. What I wish to emphasize on is, being anything but rigid will allow us to actually not lose on something if we genuinely desire its presence in our life. The lasts become ‘lasts’ because we label them as such. A part can fade, however others remain. Not all that you thought of has become a reality, yet some has manifested so far. Continued efforts can change the world; yours and mine. 

To the ones who relate, and regarding the aspects that are difficult to accept as ‘last’ because we rather not in view of choices available: do not make them the last if they aren’t! Please don’t give up on something or someone if it is a matter of just one event that went south. Try to view the situation from various perspectives, analyse the important elements in the context, consider the context, ask, and ask again if you must, express, apologize when it is essential to, seek clarification, and decide what’s best for all involved. What matters the most is what you want and how willing are you to go for it. 

Cheers to the firsts and the lasts, also the not-so-lasts; to each that holds a special space in our mind. In memory or remembrance of what was, in sheer appreciation of what is and in an admiration of what will be. 

Yours, J.